Isle of Remote

I’m tired of everything. I’m tired of the world and the people who think they know what is best for everyone else. I’m tired of those nice well-meaning Christians who send me moral majority literature as if, just because I am Christian, that I subscribe to the same lemming philosophy as they. The same ones who seem surprised to learn that I have never in 21 years voted Republican. I’ve voted democrat, green, independent….you get the drift.

I am also tired of people in high positions who don’t deserve to be there and don’t take care with people’s feelings and contributions. I’m tired of corporations who say it’s time to buckle down and tighten our belts to the “underlings” then gives themselves 37% raises even when it is to obvious detriment to the company.

I’m tired of people driving Hummers. Really, I just hate the car…nothing so much to do with the people. Well, come to think of it, I may have a grudge against the drivers too - they’re always trying to look so cool when, in truth you know they were the ones who were always 2nd or 3rd string.

But mostly I’m tired of people who write to us and tell us how bad the school system is and how it is the fault of teachers that the kids can’t compete academically with kids from other countries, when they, the parents, can’t spell or punctuate their own selves. Like I’ve always said, stupid kids go home every night and if their parents aren’t trying to improve their own minds, how can the kids see the importance of education. Quit blaming the teachers and give them more money!

Just some things I had to clear out before I got on the freeway….

Okay, I’ve gotten some sleep now. Today I slept in till about 8:30. Then I got up tried to work on the computer and then my mouse gave up the ghost (that’s the latest thing) so I went back to bed at around 9:30 and stayed there until almost 11. Nice.

Seems that most people don’t have this day off for Cesar Chavez. I guess we get it because we’re promised 13 paid holidays a year and this one falls at the right time of year.

Anyway, I’ve put a bunch of stuff on ebay this morning. That took some time. I have to get more organized with that if I want to make money with it. Problem is that I don’t really have anything that people want to pay money for.

Sort of finished I Don’t Know How She Does It, in that I skipped to the end. It was okay for awhile but then it just plain tired me out. It seems every book I’ve read by a British author seems to feature this self-deprecating heroine who doesn’t know how to make a good decision. That and they always mentioned how their knickers have turned to grey. Don’t they have water softener in the UK?

I’m procrastinating again. I have a whole slew of writings I should get out today. I have an article to write and a review to do. Instead I’m really thinking on having myself a grand old Sims party. Haven’t played in almost a week and I could have a lot of time if I didn’t have to do anything else. But no, that would be wrong. There are several other people counting on me and I have to learn to do things when I have the time, not just the inclination.

So, on I go! I will write today. I will do the dishes. I will take out the recycling. Right after this nap….

i’ve had about 1.75 hours of sleep in the last 24 hours and i’m really stupid. evidence being that i’m writing this when my soft plush bed beckons. thought it would be fun to see what i could write when i’m so tired it hurts to hit thespacebar. hmmm. not much. really, i’m so tired i sound drunk. like a puppy. or a salamander. i think if i type long enough i will put myself into a lucid dreaming trance and all the great mysteries of the universe will be revealed to me. like why the big-boob bras are always put on the lowest racks in the stores. is it because sheer gravity will lead us to the correct size? i dunno.
maybe some peppy emoticons will wake me up
not really
i didn’t wear my new shoes today (btw, it took me five attempts to spell “wear” correctly…). The black Clarks my mom got me - they’re cool. I didn’t really have to work today.
saw myself in a glass window and MAN i need to lose weight. can you do a gastric bypass at home? like if i just swallowed a lot of paper clips would they fill up my stomach and i wouldn’t eat so much? kinda sounds worthy.
you know if you really wanna get drunk but you don’t have money for liquor, try sleep deprivation…really, i think it’s the same feeling. I mean, I think i’m really clever right now…

I just got an email from a friend telling me about her recent trip to Vietnam. Another friend is traveling in Laos for 5 weeks. Another is in Africa for a whole year and yet another is planning a trip to the Ukraine. I’ve never thought of these types of trips for myself. Granted, I’m not much of a traveler, what with me hating to fly and all, but it seems that other people have visited so much of the world and I have stayed at home.

I have to get over that. I wonder if I’ve just declared myself not to be a traveler when, in reality, I’ve only let my fears define me. And it’s not like there isn’t help out there….this is stupid. I’m sick and tired of my world being within the boundaries of ocean shores. I do want to travel - my friend Ann went to Italy for a frickin’ long weekend!!! Why can’t I have that sort of spirit? Why can’t I just save up my money and take off for someplace exotic?

That’s my resolution for this year - find someone to help me get over this fear I have. I always did know that I would do something when the fear began to hinder me, I just figured it would be a lot later in life.

Onward and (literally!) upward!

Did six loads today. I think clothing should come with some sort of scotchgard like protection that enables you to shake off dirt, smells and wrinkles. Hmm, that’s probably not a good idea…think underwear…eeeuuuww!

Anyway, did a little grocery shopping today. Gotta finish later - tonight or tomorrow. Didn’t get a chance to vacuum so that will have to wait until tomorrow as well.

Oh - guess what? I got this private message from a forum I’m on and it’s this guy who asked me out once and then never called me again. He doesn’t know it’s me, I don’t think. I’ll wait until tomorrow to write him back…maybe then I’ll know what to say.

I’m all showered and sweet smelling finally - went to the store and did laundry just fresh out of bed. Lovely. Mom is on her way back to my house and we’re going to the bank to transfer some money and then to dinner. I’m sure it will be fun.

I’ve got to get my car fixed on Monday - needs a serious tune up. And shocks, I think. Car’ a rockin’ but nobody’s knockin’….

This is the most boring entry ever. I’m falling asleep typing it. Better to just cut my losses and move on.

My mother is coming to visit tomorrow. That could have all sorts of meanings. Most times we get along but we just plain refuse to acknowlege that each of us has our own way of doing things (however, mine is the only way that makes sense.) Will we drive each other crazy in four days? Who knows.

I went to a writer’s panel today. I thought since it was free that there wasn’t going to be very much information given out. But it was quite informative. The funny thing is that each of them said that you don’t pick writing as a career if you want to get rich. Well, yeah, I knew that, but half the time I just like to see my name in print, and I don’t think about the money anyway.

My cell phone rang at about 1am then again at 7. My land line rang twice. I thought for sure that my mother was calling me to say someone had died - that my grandmother had died. I put off listening to voice mail until I got to work. Turns out it was a text message from Cingular and call from my friend and my father. Sheesh! What does that say about me?

What the heck? My life is not making any sense now. We talked yesterday about what I’m now calling my “pre-crush” on one guy and now there may be someone else! And he’s gotta be in his 20s, too! What’s a pre-menopausal gal to do? This makes a total of 4 guys crashing into my life. I gotta start giving them names.

First there’s Bro - I love him. I think he’s the greatest thing and I just want him in my life. I’ve told him that I feel his soul/his heartbeat and he doesn’t think that’s weird. I have no romantic attachment to him whatsoever, I just LOVE him with everything inside me. I hope you have a friend like that.

Next is Swing, the guy from yesterday. We did swing dance together at a party once. I keep running into him. My friend and I were talking last night and she mentioned him as a “safe” guy.

Then EyeCandy - He’s just beautiful and he has this amazing mouth - soo soo sexy! And I like talking to him because we both have sick and twisted senses of humor - a thing not easily found nor appreciated in the church.

Finally Sparky. We’ve been writing for about 2 weeks now. We don’t go to the same service, but we often meet because of mutual friends. Now we’re becoming friends. Well, the thing of it is he sent me something he wrote and I love his words. What kinda cheap chick am I that a few words on paper can make me all cheesy-swoony?

It’s so funny that these men are in my life and paying me a sort of attention…well, not Swing, but the rest are. I’ve been referring to this stage as my locust years. There’s a passage in the book of Zephaniah (it’s in the Bible) about God wanting to restore the years the locusts have eaten. Well, I lost about 10 years of flirting and attention from men because of family obligations and life in general. I really feel as though God is bringing them back to me in a way.

Of course, I also feel as though I’m turning into one of those girls who obsesses about boys and looks at every action for the hidden meaning. NO! I refuse to let that happen! I will just sit back and enjoy the ride…

There’s this guy I’ve seen a few times at church that I’ve been thinking about a lot. I’ve met him several times, but we never seem to remember it. Guess that doesn’t really make sense, huh?

I met him at a party first and we danced together. He was a friend of a friend and she introduced us, but I promptly forgot his name….nothing new there. Met him again a few months later at a conference. I knew he looked familiar but couldn’t quite place from where. I thought he was a guy I met at a concert. We talked but it was never resolved about where we met. I wasn’t really interested, but he seemed like a nice guy.

A year later I meet him again, and this time I not only remembered him from the conference, but now from the dance….that event must switched over to long term memory and I was able to recall it….

So just last month I was at another event at church and he was there again. Finally got the name. We talked a bit - our mutual friend was there - but nothing more came of it.

Now I’m interested. He’s very nice and funny and kinda cute. Why? I mean, I don’t usually have this sort of interest in someone. I’m hoping to see him again and get a chance to talk - I don’t think he goes to my church, only for special events. I seem to remember that he goes to another local one.

Perhaps I should ask my friend about him and see what she thinks. He could be a convicted axe murderer, after all. My gosh, Abs, quit being such a puss!

Sorry….

Well, I’m feeling more sound now. The issue I talked about yesterday is still playing my mind, but I no longer feel link it’s my mission to understand or fix it. I guess this is where faith comes in to play.

Spent the day with friends and saw the movie October Sky. I remember thinking when I saw the ad for it, what a boring topic….but it was a really good movie.

We watched it because it was one of the stories recommended in the Sacred Romance. Have you read it? I highly suggest that you do so.

Anyway, I got a early morning tomorrow so good night!

Okay, here’s the question - at what point is intercourse an error in judgment and at what point is it rape? Let’s take away all the errors in judgment of going further physically than originally planned, the welcoming into the bedroom, and all that. While I think that’s just a bad choice, I don’t think because a woman invites a man into her bedroom that means she definitely wants sex. I tell my high schoolers not to put themselves into situations where they may feel uncomfortable, but grown women do it all the time.

So there’s the huggin’, kissin’ squeezin’ going on in the bedroom. One thing leads to another and the deed is done. Now, if you do it again - is that rape? To me rape is forced sex - either by overpowering someone physically, emotionally or chemically. Am I overlooking something?

I’m stuck in the middle of this situation, knowing both parties, and I don’t think either of them knows I know about the other and the extent of the story.

I wish it would all go away. I feel like I’ve been kicked in the chest. I do believe both of them, but I think because they haven’t sat down with a mediator who is skilled at this sort of thing, they have not come to a resolution. Now the guy is being ostracized and the girl is thinking the whole awful story is coming to an end because she won’t have to see him anymore.

What I’m thinking is that they both have to deal with their own culpability in the situation. Maybe it’s not the best idea for them to do that face to face, but this will not allow her to make better decisions in the future. In fact, I think it lulls her into a false sense of security - her thinking she can control his whereabouts. But before he gave her the courtesy and would not show up where he knew her to be. Now he could be anywhere and even though he would now have to leave when he saw her, she would still have the confrontation and the courtesy calls are off.

And if I feel engulfed by this problem, how do the two directly involved feel about it? I feel stupid not being able to do anything.