Had a sad kind of pity-party kind of day. You need those every once in a while. Woke up with the fierce allergies again and decided to just stay home and rest. Plus I’ve been feeling kind of bewildered and blue lately. So it is just a good thing to stay in bed.
I think sometimes we don’t take the time to feel blue and we should. We think our “negative” feelings should be fixed…anesthetized. But how can we embrace the good if we refuse to run the course of the bad? We keep putting off our bad feelings, trying to make ourselves happy that after a while we can’t handle the really bad stuff without medication.
Of course, being prone to depression myself, I do know that there are those out there who need medication to function. But it seems odd to me that there are so many doctors ready to prescribe pills to people who should be sad at a certain time, but won’t always be. Case in point - my friend brother died a few years ago. Her mother and sister-in-law were both prescribed Zoloft because they were depressed. Neither of these two women had a history of depression ever. When someone you love dies, you should be depressed because it’s a terrible thing. now whenever they go off the meds the old grief comes right back to the moment when they left it and they are more depressed than ever. Back on the meds they go because they can’t believe that four years later they still feel sad.
I don’t want to feel sad, but when I am I am more….introspective about my life. I take a look at my decisions and mistakes more carefully. When I feel myself headed into depression I make myself do the things I don’t want to do - be social, volunteer, take on responsibility or just call some friends on the phone.
Where was I going? Oh yeah. My sad day. I’m sad because today I feel mortal. And vulnerable. And lonely. It’s strange how you can feel lonely when your phone is constantly ringing off the hook and you have an amazing support system, but stranger things have happened.
It’s less than 36 hours to meetin’ time and I’m a little nervous. I’m not in the mood now to face more rejection - this one based on who I am, rather than my qualifications like at a job interview. I don’t want to get my hopes up, but I want to remain positive. And then I don’t want to be desparate either. I just want to go, have a good time, meet some people and come home. But so many people are counting on this hook-up thing. Do I want to hook up or do I not want to disappoint the people who are taking the time to look out for me?
Sometimes being a people-pleaser is a real pain in the butt.