Isle of Remote

[i]There are two great moments in your life: The day you were born and the day you discover [b]why[/b] you were born.[/i] I first heard that quote spoken by Pastor Kirbyjon Caldwell of Texas two years ago. It’s been bouncing around in my mind the last couple of days and I think it’s why I feel so unsettled with my life. I’ve let so many things slide - my health and weight, some of my relationships, my joy….all for some reason I can’t quite put my finger on. And so yesterday, as I was moping in bed it occured to me that once you know why you were born, to do anything contrary to that is a drain and a source of unhappiness. I am 100% certain I was born to create. Create art, stories, friendships…. That is when I feel the most alive. That is when I feel most connected to the universe, to God, to others, to myself. And yet for 10 hours of my day I create nothing. I sit at a desk and crunch numbers and take phone calls and recreate exactly what I did the year before. I am living a lie. And the sad thing is that this is the norm. From childhood most of us are told to be practical and put our dreams aside. We can’t all be ballerinas and cowboys and so we grow up to be actuaries and accountants. Yet we still have that ballerina spirit, that cowboy adventure locked up in a small space of our hearts. We pacify it in small ways, attending concerts, watching sports, and convince ourselves that we are happy, that we are fulfilled. That we aren’t living half a life. An existence. And then we end up at age 60, retired without an inkling of what to do next. Or worse, that we’ve missed the boat and we can’t go back and reclaim our lost dreams. We let the fear of failure hold us back. We let the negative voices in our heads win. We let our own dreams be snuffed out by practicality. But it’s not failure if we are doing what we are meant to do! I don’t have to be principal dancer at the New York Ballet to be a ballerina! I just have to take classes! I don’t have to have a ranch to be a cowboy! I can teach horseback riding or take a vacation to a ranch! If I’m doing something purely for the love of doing it, because it was what I was meant to do, my level of success at it doesn’t matter! And ironically, my passion for what I’m doing directly affects my success! So today, June 28, 2004, I tell that negative voice in my head to shut the Hell up! I’m taking back my life and I’m not going to allow my complaints or my whining to guide me anymore. No more taking the easy comfortable carousel ride - I’ve got my e-tickets and I’m headed for the coaster, baby!
[b]Invictus[/b] Out of the night that covers me Black as the Pit from pole to pole I thank whatever gods maybe For my unconquerable soul. In the fell clutch of circumstance I have not winced nor cried aloud Under the bludgeonings of chance My head is bloody but unbowed. Beyond this place of wrath and tears Looms but the horror of the shade And yet the menace of the years Finds and shall find me unafraid. It matters not how strait the gate How charged with punishment the scroll I am the Master of my fate I am the Captain of my soul.
— William Earnest Henley