Today is my father’s birthday. I didn’t send a card. I fully intended to, but it just didn’t happen.
I do still have a certain amount of resentment toward him. It’s not easy to put our rocky past behind me and move on. I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. For him to get tired of trying communicate with me and drop out of my life again.
And yet, I make it difficult on purpose. I don’t reciprocate well. I know what I’m doing and I know why AND I know it’s childish, yet still I do it. Human nature is a very interesting thing.
I know that I should try to test this new relationship, but I want to protect my heart as well. Which is kind of funny because deep down I know that my father and I will never have that kind of close relationship again. Not even because of there being too much hurt in the past or anything like that. But because he is who he is. He is a disconnected person at a fundamental level. He can only relate to a certain extent. He’s been like that in all his relationships, I believe, not just with me.
Not to get all Dr Phil, but I think because of his childhood, he failed to make deep familial connections with his second family, perhaps because of resentment toward his parents. When he was a child, my grandmother was very ill and they sent my father to live with an aunt and uncle so my grandfather could care for his wife. My grandmother died and at that time a lot of fathers didn’t raise a child alone. They saw it better that he was with the aunt and uncle.
So, yes, I do see his disconnect with those who loved him and how that plays out in his life today. I just don’t know how deep I can go with him. One, because I don’t know if I have the emotional stamina and two, because I don’t know how much he can withstand before bouncing off again.
That John Mayer song about fathers and daughters keeps playing in my head.