So, when we last left our heroine (that would be me) she was on her way to the east coast for her dear grandmother’s funeral (Merry Christmas!) and more than a little distraught. Okey dokey, still a little emotional, so let’s frame in just one shot of the whole story.
Saw my dad. And I didn’t even have time to prepare. He came to the funeral (it was a regular ex-fest, but that’s another entry) and I saw him as we were leaving the church. It was very surreal. I mean the street the church was on and everything looked exactly the way it did 25 years ago. Then to have my 25 years older father standing there….
I don’t know what I expected. More. Less. It was just so strange. He was happy to see me. I guess I was happy to see him… I dunno. I was a little irked that he was so happy to see me on the very day we were burying my grandmother. It just seemed so odd!
We spent the next day together and I got to meet my half-brother. Nice kid - quiet. Seemed kind of nonplussed about the whole meeting thing. It was sprung on me as a surprise. I mean, I was expecting a day of shopping and chatting and I get, “oh, I told him to meet us here.”
So the afternoon was spent with the two of them talking sports to each other(when they spoke) and me talking about my grandmother. I have to say, I was quite deliberate in that. I mean, why should I be the only uncomfortable one at the table?
I just felt gobsmacked by the whole thing. Let’s just layer on the whole emotional enchilada within 24 hours, shall we! No wonder I’m exhausted - I don’t think I have any feelings left right now that aren’t high caliber, crazy-out-of-kilter or just plain inappropriate.
Of course it makes me totally evil to say all this when I’m using my brand new ViewSonic 17″ flat screen monitor and Bose speakers that dear old Dad sent me as a gift. Sigh. I am ambivalent in my conflict.
So I’ll end with these two things - one positive, one negative.
1 - I’m angry that he didn’t want to spend time alone with me. I’m angry that he didn’t consider my emotions and didn’t give me any time to prepare to meet my half-brother. (okay, that’s really two issues, isn’t it?)
2 - I’m glad that for whatever reason, he did make the effort to see me twice. (It’s one more time than he made the effort to see me the last summer I was there when I was 15.) And he was happy to see me.
I guess no matter where you are in life, if you have a parent who dropped out of your life, you never get over wanting that ideal relationship with him (or her). That’s kind of a pisser. Am I ever going to get over wanting that perfect Daddy or am will “getting over” it harden me somehow?
Conundrum, thy name is Abbie.