I’ve been thinking a lot about friendship these past few days. It seems weird that random people in your life can come to be so close and so important. And then through crisis, you learn how deep that friendship goes. During this past month, I’ve seen many sides of friendships as I adjust to life without my grandmother.
I had a good, long talk with a new friend last night. We are both transplanted New Yorkers and we seemed to hit it off very well. She’s my mother’s age, but my friends all tend to be several years older and younger than myself, so I’m not surprised about how we connected. What I really appreciated is that she was able to verbalize my relationship with my grandmother. Other people have been great, but this sort of empathy isn’t everyone’s everyday, run-of-the-mill milieu.
Just after the funeral, one of my very distant cousins (I didn’t know who she was, I’m not very familiar with that branch of the family) and told me the coming months were going to very hard for me. That I would just cry for no reason and to just let it happen. I really appreciated her advice and it’s been true. Instances where I expect to break down – cleaning out my grandmother’s room, picking out the clothes she would wear – those are the times where I held together pretty well. Seeing her jewelry box sent me off in a torrent of tears. Grief is strange.
Anyway, I spent the evening talking with Ginger and she was so kind. I had mentioned that the last time I saw her over Thanksgiving my grandmother ended each night by telling me how much she loved me and how proud she was of me. I was a little puzzled by this and assumed she thought I was leaving to return home. She did it each of the four nights I saw her. It dawned on me that she was saying goodbye. But it still didn’t really register because she was doing so much better; I thought we’d be together again at Christmas. I was also really impressed with the things that she remembered: my new car, for one. And I said how strange that was and Ginger said that I was my grandmother’s whole world. Not like I was the special one, but that from the point of view of a grandmother, your grandchildren are the very best of everything. They have no faults. And I guess I always thought of how much she meant to me, and never how much I meant to her.
Sigh. I was supposed to be talking about friends here. Right. So this past month has been amazing in terms of my friends reaching out to me. I’ve gotten cards, phone calls, letters, emails – it’s made me feel really cared for. Even here, where you guys have never seen me before, and wouldn’t know if I crashed though your roof, the support has been so great (*waves* to Meadow). So you would think my very best friend in the whole world, whom I’ve known since 1982, would call me. Send me a card. Call my mom, maybe. I get a rather tersely worded email: Sorry to hear that your grandmother passed away. Call me if you want to get together while you’re in town. What the????
Who skipped the friendship train? Was it me? Should I have called her first and told her? Is that why she pulled away? Or is it something else? Perhaps I am expecting too much?
My friend married a man I was not particularly happy about. He had some serious issues and an overabundance of heavy baggage. Not that it was insurmountable, but something that really should have been dealt with before they said ‘I do.’ Basically I kept my mouth shut after she informed me that she knew what she was doing and this was what she wanted. What can you say after that? I knew how their relationship would run. He would uproot her from the familiar, from her support system, and leave her wholly reliant on himself. He is a very insecure man.
They have changed churches several times and she has a hard time fitting in. She said one time that she just doesn’t have time for her personal friendships anymore (not just me, her other close friends have dropped off the radar) and whenever I talk to her now it‘s just a series of what they’re going to buy, what they’re going to do, where they’re going to vacation – pretty much either look how much money we’ve spent or I’m married now and you’re not. And all they do for entertainment is eat. Never about what she’s feeling or good stuff. And I can’t be the sole caretaker of the friendship anymore. Especially when I am currently at the point where I need to take more than give.
So now I know I have to sit back and wait for her to come to me. My going to her obviously didn’t work, so I have to be patient. But I can’t say as that didn’t hurt me right to the core that she didn’t call me.