Isle of Remote

I haven’t been writing as regularly. Maybe you’ve noticed? Well I have been going through some stuff for the past…7 months and I didn’t want to write about it. Sometimes when you write things down they become too real and too personal. And you know, even though this blog started as a journal and I shouldn’t care about what gets written here, I am too often aware that people read this. And I start to worry about being a whiner and a complainer. But you know, it’s still my blog and I should say whatever I want.

So back in March I sort of flipped my lid. Well, I wasn’t running around outside with my underwear on my head or anything like that. I just could get off the couch. I couldn’t go to work. I couldn’t think straight. I had a weird bunch of physical symptoms like a popping noise in my head, dizziness - especially the phone rang or at a startling sound, blurred vision, unsteady gait, tiredness, loss of appetite, blah, blah, blah. Holed up in my house for a week and didn’t answer the phone. One day my mother sent my friends to come and check on me, because I wasn’t at work and no one had seen or heard from me.

Went to the doctor’s and had a full neuro workup and a slew of tests. Turns out I’m clinically depressed. How boring is that?

I always thought depression meant you felt sad all the time. I rarely feel sad. And when I’m with my friends I’m usually laughing and talking as if everything is okay. But somewhere I dropped the ball. Or actually, I just got tired of carrying the ball. I just wanted to sleep. All day. Everyday.

I just got tired of playing life. I was exhausted.

A lot of it stemmed from work issues, but I think the crux of it was I had somehow just deadened myself to being emotionally commited. In the last five years I went from being a person around whom very few people have died to being the ersatz angel of death. Something like 20 people have died in my life in the last 5 years. You don’t really get proper time to grieve when that happens.

So after four months of therapy and happy pills I was finally deemed well enough to go back to work. I’m still adjusting and learning about it all. I thought if I concentrated and did everything I was supposed to, I could beat depression in 6 months or less. But it’s still my companion.

I feel burdened and confused and tired most of the time. But at least now I know the warning signs and I know not to give in to my natural inclination to keep to myself. Although sometimes it takes a lot for me to get together with my friends. Luckily they know the situation and don’t let me!

There’s also some emotional distress about being single. While most times I’m happy with myself and my life, sometimes its really hard to be “out there”. But it’s also hard to be the single one, too. I have to deal with that day by day. Luckily I have faith to lean on. That has been the only reason this blip in the road of my life has been an adventure instead of the tragedy it’s mapped out to be. I’ve learned so much about me, about my friends and about how God feels for me.

Tragically, I’m a very stubborn, proud and closed person. I don’t like to share the intimate details of my life. But somehow, through this depression thing, I’ve shared with nearly everyone and anyone who will listen. I have had to ask for and accept help and care. I have gotten closer with my mom, my father and my friends. I’ve also learned who my real friends are - some whom I would have thought were my support system failed me, and others who I barely knew offered me care and tenderness. It’s amazing, really.

So that’s the story in a nutshell. I’ll go into more detail later, but I just needed to get this out so I could stop avoiding this important bit of release for me. It’s still my natural tendency to hold things a little too close when I should be letting them out; letting them go. But we live, we learn, we dye our hair green….