Isle of Remote

I came across a “political” blog the other day and, like many amateur politic blogs these days, it was full of vitriolic name-calling and hostility. Add to that a liberal sprinkling of morality hoo-hah and self-righteousness and you have a really nice commentary on what is wrong with the world today.

Now I’m the last person to deny my belief in God, but my belief doesn’t rest on the basis that everyone else is wrong. This belief of mine is what resonates in the very core of my being. I can’t deny it even when I try. But beating someone over the head with it is not who I am. It’s not who God wants me to be either.

I really think those people who are name-calling from one side of their mouths and calling on the name of God from the other, need to sit back and do a little reading. Cuz frankly I’m tired of it. And God’s tired of it. It makes Him look bad. It puts Him in the political arena where He does not want to be. He is not running for office. If you believe in Him, then He is the first and last word. He is Alpha and Omega. He is the creator of the universe and every person in it.

When we force God to fit in with our own personal agenda, we put Him in a box. We limit His power and influence. God is not Democrat or Republican. He is God. So much bigger and better than we give Him credit for. Don’t use Him, respect Him and honor Him and be humble before Him.

Two posts in two days?! Has the world stopped spinning on its axis? Has gas gone down to $.15/gallon? Have Rosie O’Donnell and Donald Trump produced a scraggly haired love child? Time was I used to post quite regularly. Now, not so much.

After I saw my Dad two years ago things have been kind of strange. Especially after I went crazy. He calls me, emails me, IMs me. It’s a little bizarre. Of course, I realize that I look at everything he does through a microscope searching for hidden motives and without any kind of faith that it will last. I believe they call it self-preservation. I don’t want to be hurt by him again.

Oddly enough, I am perfectly capable of giving him what he needs from me. At least I think I am. I’m perky on the phone, I don’t ask for anything. I say the right words. And I don’t stutter when he calls me his baby or his little girl.

He told me a lot about his bout with mental illness. A lot more intense than my own, thank you very much. A lot of similarities. In fact, there are a lot of similarities between us that I’m none too happy about. My mother and father have created this odd conglomeration of weakness and strength, optimism and practicality that shows up at the weirdest times. And frustrates me to no end.

My mother is a planner. My father is a dreamer. My mother has very little tolerance for people who don’t have both feet firmly planted on terra firma. She is a saver. My father is a spender. My mother is all about the details. My father is more interested in the big picture.

One would think that my forty years of maternal influence would leave me more like her. Yet, those fifteen years with the pater have left their mark. I’m a reluctant saver - it has to come directly out of my paycheck and go somewhere where I can’t touch it. I’m a by-the-seat-of-my-pants planner at best. More aptly, I like to save things till the last minute because I know I’ll be more “on” then and things will come together better. My brain is constantly awash with different schemes to give me the life I always wanted yet the practical side of me tends to offer more criticism than support - telling me I need something to fall back on.

I have to work on using these traits to my advantage. I have to turn my weaknessess into strengths. Easier said than done, right?

Okay, I’ve been trying to log on here for a long time. Wouldn’t let me. Was considering moving to another host, but since I couldn’t even get on to move my files, that wasn’t a very appealing idea. Now, today, I just sign right in. Weird.

Anyhoo, I’m back. I’m doing well. I survived a brief bout of not taking my meds. What can I say? I thought I could stop cold turkey. Didn’t attribute the 24 hour dizziness to anything but not eating right. I mean, I was having dreams about being dizzy! How weird is that? But now things are back on an even keel.

Have been watching a lot of movies lately (Yay! Netflix!) Loved Little Miss Sunshine! You gotta love that little Olive. I want to be her when I grow up.

Looking for a new job - 2 interviews this Friday. Both have presentations. Neither of which I understand. Ugh! I’ve been doing research and trying to piece the thing together, but I may have bitten off more than I can chew.

Having money troubles. Trying not to obsess over that. Still not back to working full-time, but it’s a good thing right now. Work still exhausts me. Although I’m supposed to be trying not to sleep so much according to my doctor. I think I’m slowly turning into a cat….I’ll be up to 18 hours of sleep per night soon.

I’ve been bouncing about different churches too. Not really assured of my place. Stills rankles me how out of place single men and women are if they are over the age of thirty. So I’m feeling plenty of not-fitting-in-ness this year that I wasn’t emotionally prepared for.

Friends are taking good care of me and making sure I’m not holed up in my apartment for too long. But sometimes its hard doing things with them as well. Especially since most of my friends are coupled up. It gets tired feeling like the fifth wheel all the time. Sometimes it takes me an hour or so just to talk myself into going to a party or whatever because I dont to be the Sad Single Gal.

Of course I’m doing absolutely nothing to change that status. I mean, nearly everything I do is so girly-centric. I never meet guys. Decent guys anyway. I meet the ones whose wives don’t understand them or who haven’t had any gainful employment since the Carter administration.

One terribly negative thing about having a nervous breakdown is you start thinking about yourself waaaay too much. I mean, I talk about myself, medicate myself, write about myself, give myself “space” and pamper myself. I’m so freaking bored with myself I could just scream!

So I guess my natural conclusion is I should just go out there and Live Life. Full Speed Ahead. Don’t Look Back. Yeah, after this little nap….