Two posts in two days?! Has the world stopped spinning on its axis? Has gas gone down to $.15/gallon? Have Rosie O’Donnell and Donald Trump produced a scraggly haired love child? Time was I used to post quite regularly. Now, not so much.
After I saw my Dad two years ago things have been kind of strange. Especially after I went crazy. He calls me, emails me, IMs me. It’s a little bizarre. Of course, I realize that I look at everything he does through a microscope searching for hidden motives and without any kind of faith that it will last. I believe they call it self-preservation. I don’t want to be hurt by him again.
Oddly enough, I am perfectly capable of giving him what he needs from me. At least I think I am. I’m perky on the phone, I don’t ask for anything. I say the right words. And I don’t stutter when he calls me his baby or his little girl.
He told me a lot about his bout with mental illness. A lot more intense than my own, thank you very much. A lot of similarities. In fact, there are a lot of similarities between us that I’m none too happy about. My mother and father have created this odd conglomeration of weakness and strength, optimism and practicality that shows up at the weirdest times. And frustrates me to no end.
My mother is a planner. My father is a dreamer. My mother has very little tolerance for people who don’t have both feet firmly planted on terra firma. She is a saver. My father is a spender. My mother is all about the details. My father is more interested in the big picture.
One would think that my forty years of maternal influence would leave me more like her. Yet, those fifteen years with the pater have left their mark. I’m a reluctant saver - it has to come directly out of my paycheck and go somewhere where I can’t touch it. I’m a by-the-seat-of-my-pants planner at best. More aptly, I like to save things till the last minute because I know I’ll be more “on” then and things will come together better. My brain is constantly awash with different schemes to give me the life I always wanted yet the practical side of me tends to offer more criticism than support - telling me I need something to fall back on.
I have to work on using these traits to my advantage. I have to turn my weaknessess into strengths. Easier said than done, right?